It's a hot July afternoon. The sun hangs high and uninterrupted from an azure canvas. Shadows stretch across a sea of freshly cut grass. A caressing breeze floats by, carrying summer's sweet scent. The rhythmic chirping of cicades fills your ears with nature's white noise.
Behind you stands a majestic oak wide enough to shield you from your boss, should they happen to pass by with someone important. "Not today," you say, scratching your back against the notted trunk. No boss or deadline is powerful enough to kill your vibe.
Your mouth is dry. The solution is nearby. It's cold, it's wet, and it's dripping with the promise of refreshment. You can't wait another second.
"Pshhhh-CRACK!"
You press the cold aluminum against your lips and let the smooth nectar trickle down your throat. When all has settled, you make that weird satisified sound from the Coke commercials. But there isn't cola or pop of any kind in this can. You chose the cool, refreshing taste of carbonated nothingness instead.
Yes, nothingness. The proof is on the can.
Sugars = 0
Calories = 0
Sodium = 0
Carbs = 0
Protein = 0
Sweetener = 0
Fun = 0
But where it lacks in guilt and substance, it more than makes up for in the branding. The descriptors on the packaging are utterly superb.
"Naturally essenced"
"Naturally flavored with other natural flavors"
"Innocent"
"Sparkling"
Add a fresh aesthetic with vibrant colors, showcasing images of fruit, and you've got the recipe for an industry worth billions. Why drink water when you could drink sparkling water, am I right? I used to think this was all a farse. It still might be, actually. I'm not convinced this "naturally flavored" water is flavored at all. It just might be marketing mind control at its finest.
My first experience with sparkling water happened in '98 when the soda fountain at the movie theatre ran out of syrup and dished me out 32oz of "...nope, I'd like a refund". The second experience happened in 2001, with my first gin and tonic. Similar experience, but at least it had alcohol and a pissload of lime juice in it.
Twenty years later, my kids are drinking two a day. I drink them too. And sometimes, when the moon is waxing gibbous, I taste the flavors. I've even developed a process for myself. I take a sip, hold it there for awhile, then swish it around to activate whatever needs activating.
My taste buds might be understated, muted, or burned out. I drank a lot of cheap, unsavory liquors in college. Still, I would be willing to wager that 30% of those that imbibe don't taste it nearly as much as they say they do.
I feel the same way about IPA snobs. "Man, you can really taste the dragon fruit in this. And do I detect notes of cucumber?" Maybe...but I definitely detect some palate hubris with a hint of bullshit.
Sarcasm aside, I do enjoy these. They are far cheaper than other carbonated drinks, and they help me get my daily canned beverage fix when I need a break. I prefer Waterloo. I think the flavors are a little stronger. And I need stronger flavors to overcompensate for the inefficiencies of my dumb mouth.
